Drastic Fantastic

Today is going to be a very busy day. I've got so much to do. I came to town yesterday with Liam and Natalie from work, and I wanted to set up a phone contract but my card got declined, so I'm coming back today to give it another go. I need to go to the Apple Shop too to see if they'll fix the chipped top cover on my MacBook. I also need to go to HSBC to try and sort out my student account, and I need to get a new house key cut because I've lost my own one. Busy, busy. busy. I'm in Central Library as I speak, because I needed to bring a book back and to take some out. Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights.

Only 3 weeks until I move away now, and I'm not sure if I'm excited or worried. Probably a bit of both. I might go and buy some things for my flat too, I haven't bought a thing yet.

I went out for my birthday last night, even though it isn't my birthday til Thursday. It's mine, Karen's, Becca's and Adam's birthday within a few days of each other, so we thought a joint night out for all our birthdays with everyone from work would be good. It was an alright night, but we spent most of it in Zanzibar waiting for Phil Collier's band to come on. They were very good, but I think we would have had a better night if we'd gone around town properly. Melissa was a bit worse for wear, so I offered to take her home so everyone else could stay out. I knew how horrible she must have felt, because usually it's me in that position, so I thought it was about time I actually took the responsible role and helped someone else out. The taxi driver threw us out in the middle of nowhere because he thought Mel was going to be sick in his car, and after another hour or so I managed to get her on her feet and find a taxi willing to let her in. We got home at about 4 o'clock, and she was supposed to be in work at 9, but that clearly wasn't going to happen, so I turned up for her shift for her so she won't get into as much trouble as she would have done. I didn't really feel up to working either, but Melissa's my mate and I want to be nice and make the most of things before I move away.

Tonight has been another one of them nights where I've just been lying here thinking. It's only just started to sink in that this time next month I'll be leaving everything behind and moving to a completely new place. God. Up until now I've been really excited about moving, but now I'm starting to think I don't want to go. My whole life is here. My job, my family, all my friends. Last night when I was out with everyone from work, I was just looking at everyone and thinking this could be the last time I'm out with them all like this. It's weird to think that when I leave, they will all be carrying on going out and doing things together as normal without me. I hope that the people in my new store are half as good as these ones. Liam is another one I'm going to miss. He's been a good friend the last few months, especially since I left school and haven't really spoken to or seen my mates from school. I think that those friendships have come to some sort of natural end, not in the sense that I don't want to be mates with them any more, but in that I know we're not going to be best friends any more and we're all going our own separate ways, and I think we're all okay with that.

I best get some sleep. I'm in work in 9 hours. :)

Procrastination. I love that word. I clearly don't love the word as much as I love the deed though. I'm just over half way through my exams now, which is quite disappointing considering that most of my friends have finished or have very nearly finished theirs. They've gone quite well so far I think, apart from Biology, but I really could not care less about it. I've got a big Psychology exam tomorrow which I felt completely unprepared for, but after a major cram sesh and my handy "Dog on the Brain" book, I'm feeling quite excited to get it out of the way. Who says that last minute revision doesn't work‽

Last night was a really good night. It was my friend Ray's 18th and he had a party in an apartment in town. I don't speak to him much these days, but he invited me the other day and so me and Zak went along. The people there seemed quite pretentious at first, but after I got to know a few people it was good and me and Zak fitted in quite well. I spent quite a lot of the night with Ray himself, and I don't think Zak was very happy. After the whole Lyle/Zak saga the other week, I finally ended up getting together with Zak, and things have been going well. We've barely been apart. But last night at that party I think I really sailed a bit close to the wind. Me and Ray might have seemed over friendly with each other for the most of it, and we did spend a lot of time alone, but nothing happened. It probably sounds pathetic, but I was actually quite proud of myself for resisting and not giving in to him, because he told me that he liked me, and I know that if I didn't have a boyfriend, something probably would have happened with me and him. We even ended up together in the bathroom hugging, but I didn't even kiss him and I haven't kept anything from Zak whatsoever. I was a bit worse for wear, as always, despite only having two or three drinks. I think I did alright keeping myself together though, and me and Zak had a nice night together. He stayed in mine.

Today I saw my dad, as it's Father's Day, and then I had my dinner at my granddad's, and then I came home and procrastinated/revised, and that brings us to now, at 3:18am.

Don't you love being young? :)

What a coincidence; minutes after I wrote that last entry, I split up with Lyle. It's got me down more than I was expecting, but at least it makes the situation slightly less complicated.

I've got myself into a right mess, and I've got no one to blame but myself. In my last entry I said how good it was not seeing anyone and not getting involved with any lads, but it didn't last long. I started talking to my lesbian cousin Dani's mate Rob, and we have so much in common. He's a really nice lad and he is very good looking, and I know he isn't a slut . I thought it was going to go somewhere with him, but whilst I was still speaking to him I went on a "date" with a boy called Lyle, and we actually got on so much better than I'd expected, and in the end he asked me out and I said yes. Me and Lyle have been together for a few weeks now, but it seems to be going down hill so much. All I want is a proper relationship like me and Dan. To be honest, I think I'm looking for someone exactly like Dan, and I know it's stupid because that isn't going to happen. Anyway, me and Lyle are not getting along too well now. He just seems so disinterested in me and I am the one who makes all the effort, so I've started seeing Zak. Zak is dead nice. He's cultured and good looking and sweet and it seems like we could make it work, but I know that if I finish Lyle for him it will end up being the same and I'll start looking for ways out of the relationship. It happens every time. Things go so well until I start going out with someone properly, then I realise that they're not Dan and I try to get out of it. I'm such a nonce. Dwelling on my ex 18 months after we split up.

God, I must seem like such a slut. It's ridiculous. It doesn't fit in with my personality at all and it lets me down so much. My boss even told me I need to raise my standards. My own friends see my relationships as a joke now, and I really want to change that. Me and Liam have argued over the Zak/Lyle situation, and it's not worth it. Liam is a good friend and I feel bad because he thinks I've used him, but I haven't.

In other news, I'm in the middle of my exams now. They're going okay, I just hope I get the grades I need for uni, otherwise my birthday won't be too jolly!

I saw this idea on a forum somewhere; write a letter to yourself five years ago. I thought it was a good idea, and so I thought I might as well give it a go. I would have been in year 8 at the time, just turning 13.



This is a nice post. I like it. Things have been quite peachy for me lately, and for some strange reason I'm excited for my exams. I think it's probably because they'll be out of the way and I can look forward to moving away. I really can't wait now.

And there are no boys on the scene. None whatsoever. I think that's good for me. After events of late I don't think it's a bad thing to be on my own. I was worried about getting a reputation, which I don't deserve because I've really wanted to find another serious relationship. Someone I can love like Dan, or as Faye says "Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love." That girl makes me laugh. Especially on Saturday when the roof in work fell through because of the rain and macho Nick climbed on the roof in the pouring rain to save the day. I don't think I'll forget that shift :)

I'm going to go the library tomorrow I think to get a book somebody recommended to me. It's called L'Etranger and it's by Albert Camus.

Bon soir!

One of my best friends has really annoyed me lately. Toni is one of, if not my best friend, and I talk to her every day. She is usually the first person I go to whenever I need to talk to anyone, but the last couple of weeks she's been avoiding me. There is one person in work I really don't get on with, and she's been spending quite a bit of time with him. It wouldn't bother me at all, but she'd always said that she didn't like him either and that she was trying to get rid of him all the time, but now I've heard that there is more going on between them and she's always denied it, so I've tried ringing her and texting her the last few days and she's been avoiding me. It's really annoying, as we had organised things together and I've needed to talk to her but she's been avoiding me. This sounds so childish now I'm actually writing it. Also, some things I told her in confidence have started to spread around work, and it's upsetting because they are things that I don't want people to know; personal things. They're not silly rumours, they're serious.

I really can't wait to move away. Things were going so well recently and I've been really happy, but now everything is just going downhill. It doesn't help that Dan has a serious boyfriend either. I still miss him, nearly a year and a half after we split up, and after going to his mum's party the other week and seeing him and Tom together, I've been really down and I've thought about him a lot. He's the only serious boyfriend I've had. I actually loved him. We were together for a year and a half. I spent all my time with him and his family, and now I'm not even allowed to talk to him because his boyfriend's a nonce.

I seriously can't wait to get away and start anew. New place, new people. Only 5 months to go!

On a lighter note, I got the results of my blood test and urine test the other day. They both came back clear and after going in to talk to someone properly about it all they said that I probably didn't catch the NSU off someone else, it just flares up sometimes. I was so relieved when she said that. When I first found out I had something the woman wasn't very helpful at all, just gave me tablets and told me to go, but after reading around and speaking to people I learnt that it isn't necessarily caught off other people, and I seriously doubt I caught it off someone else. I'm as good as celibate really, so it's almost impossible!

I'm usually a happy person, I shouldn't be like this. I'm sorry for writing another depressing entry, I promise from now on they will get better!

I had a good night last night. Me and Rhianne had been planning to go to town all week, but then yesterday afternoon she text me to say she didn't have the money, so I went with Melissa, Alan and Toni instead. We went to P!nk and bumped into Kim and Michael, the we went the Lisbon and the G-Bar. Everyone went home and left me, and I bumped into quite a few people, some of whom I rather wouldn't have seen, but I saw Carl and we spoke for ages. It was nice. I also met a cutie called David.

In other news, I love the feeling I get when someone tells me that they like me, especially when I had no idea that they felt that way. Somebody's got plans for the rest of the week.

I suppose I should have written this yesterday, but 2007 is finally over and so much has happened. The year didn't start too well, with me still being ill, and it wasn't until around February/March time that I was walking and talking properly again, but now I've never felt better. I remember the feeling I had when I realised I was back to being my ordinary self. It was the best feeling I've ever had, I felt like I had a new lease of life and for a while I was burning the candle at both ends, but no harm was done and everyone said they were happy to have me back. I never knew how much people actually cared, and even those I didn't particularly get on with supported me and it really made me realise what nice people I know. That period of my life is well in the past now, and, even though it was probably one of the hardest parts of my life so far, I can look back now and see that it really has made me stronger, and it's made me such a better person.

Something else that was new to me this year was being single again. I'd been with Dan since September 2005, and after we split up in October 2006, I didn't know what to do with myself. I never realised how much of my life I'd spent with him, and how I'd alienated myself from my friends in doing so. It was hard not being with him, and I tried seeing other people and going out on dates, but he was always on my mind and I couldn't have feelings for anyone else. It made it even harder that we weren't on speaking terms till lately. I had a couple of relationships this year, but they never lasted very long because I couldn't let myself get involved. I did meet a boy at the bus stop, Carl, and we were in quite a good relationship for over three months, and this made me realise that I'm over Dan now, and I can have feelings for other people. Dan is the only person I've ever loved, and he has still been a big part of my life this year, but he has found someone else now, and they seem happy together, and I can honestly say that I am really happy for him. I know we didn't begin the year on very good terms, but we were so in love at one point, and even though I don't love him any more, he has become one of my best friends.

2007 has given me a lot of good memories. Me and Francis had an immense time in London (and on the way down there!), and me and Bonnie had such a laugh playing hide and seek in Malham, just to name a couple. Town has given me many a good night out, and I had quite a night at Pride in August, but I wouldn't have had half as good a time without the friends I have. Francis leaving our sixth form affected me more than I'd expected, but I've not got long left to go now anyway, and, even though me and him don't see as much of each other as we used to, I know he's still there for me whenever I need him.

I've met a lot of new people this year, too many to mention, but Hayley has become an unlikely good friend of mine, and I'm so happy Emma and Faye started in my work. I've also lost a few friends though, and even though I might not speak to them any more, or even get on with them, I don't hate anybody and I have to thank them for having been a part of my life at some point. We'll probably look back and laugh at everything in a few years' time!

I think I might have lost one friend which has upset me more than most though. Rhoda has been one of my friends for over 2 years, and I knew that if her and Francis ever spit up it would probably be the end of our friendship, but I never thought about that. Nobody has ever made me laugh like she does. Rhoda and Francis did split up a few days ago though, and I was the one who told them they'd probably be better off without each other because all they do is argue, but now I feel like I've shot myself in the foot. We'd already started to drift, and we both had other friends, but now she has a new group of best friends and I've told her that I don't think we can be friends anymore. If we're not going to be best mates anymore, then I think she at least deserves a lengthy paragraph on my LiveJournal.

Overall, the year has ended rather alright, and I've grown up more this year than ever before. I can't wait to see what 2008 has for me, and I can't help but wonder where I'll be this time next year.

Happy New Year everyone. :)

I'm feeling a bit down at the moment, and as there isn't anyone I can properly talk to right now I thought I might as well write it in here. Me and Carl split up a few weeks ago. We'd been together about four months, so it wasn't the longest relationship in the world, but it was serious enough. I was starting to feel sorry for him because I could never find the time to be with him, and even when I did have some free time I didn't want to see him for whatever reason. I was starting to get impatient and moody with him, and it wasn't fair on him. I think I wrote in here a couple of months ago how I knew it wasn't going to last for that long, and to be honest it lasted longer than I expected. He was quite upset about it, but it was the right thing to split up. We are still friends and we speak now and again, but Rhoda told me before that her and Jack were in town last night, and they bumped into Carl, and one thing led to another and Carl and Jack ended up all over each other. I mean, of all the people he could go off with, why did he go with one of my friends? This has upset me a lot more than splitting up did, especially considering Carl never told me himself and hasn't replied to my text.

It probably seems so petty now, since we have been split up for about a month, but it's got to me a bit. As Michael pointed out though, I don't really deserve any sympathy. It's exactly the same as what I did to Michael, except I went with someone Michael fancied. And on his birthday.

What goes around comes around I suppose.

Christmas was alright. I got a MacBook which I'm well happy with, and I bought loads of presents for other people this year which made me feel surprisingly happy. I didn't really go out on Christmas though, everyone came round to our house for a change, but I went to see my good friend Rob in the night. I hadn't seen him in ages.

Gosh I've got so much to say!

I sent my UCAS off and in the end I applied to Liverpool, Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle and King's College London, and I've already had an offer of AAB from Sheffield which I'm well pleased about. I hope I get a couple of other offers though.

Shaun's party tonight. I was meant to be going with Faye, but she can't go now so I hope Francis decides to come. And I just realised Jack will be there.

Hmm.