Drastic Fantastic

Agenda Setting

2008-08-28T12:37:53Z

Today is going to be a very busy day. I've got so much to do. I came to town yesterday with Liam and Natalie from work, and I wanted to set up a phone contract but my card got declined, so I'm coming back today to give it another go. I need to go to the Apple Shop too to see if they'll fix the chipped top cover on my MacBook. I also need to go to HSBC to try and sort out my student account, and I need to get a new house key cut because I've lost my own one. Busy, busy. busy. I'm in Central Library as I speak, because I needed to bring a book back and to take some out. Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights.

Only 3 weeks until I move away now, and I'm not sure if I'm excited or worried. Probably a bit of both. I might go and buy some things for my flat too, I haven't bought a thing yet.

Strawberry Fields

2008-08-10T23:04:40Z

I went out for my birthday last night, even though it isn't my birthday til Thursday. It's mine, Karen's, Becca's and Adam's birthday within a few days of each other, so we thought a joint night out for all our birthdays with everyone from work would be good. It was an alright night, but we spent most of it in Zanzibar waiting for Phil Collier's band to come on. They were very good, but I think we would have had a better night if we'd gone around town properly. Melissa was a bit worse for wear, so I offered to take her home so everyone else could stay out. I knew how horrible she must have felt, because usually it's me in that position, so I thought it was about time I actually took the responsible role and helped someone else out. The taxi driver threw us out in the middle of nowhere because he thought Mel was going to be sick in his car, and after another hour or so I managed to get her on her feet and find a taxi willing to let her in. We got home at about 4 o'clock, and she was supposed to be in work at 9, but that clearly wasn't going to happen, so I turned up for her shift for her so she won't get into as much trouble as she would have done. I didn't really feel up to working either, but Melissa's my mate and I want to be nice and make the most of things before I move away.

Tonight has been another one of them nights where I've just been lying here thinking. It's only just started to sink in that this time next month I'll be leaving everything behind and moving to a completely new place. God. Up until now I've been really excited about moving, but now I'm starting to think I don't want to go. My whole life is here. My job, my family, all my friends. Last night when I was out with everyone from work, I was just looking at everyone and thinking this could be the last time I'm out with them all like this. It's weird to think that when I leave, they will all be carrying on going out and doing things together as normal without me. I hope that the people in my new store are half as good as these ones. Liam is another one I'm going to miss. He's been a good friend the last few months, especially since I left school and haven't really spoken to or seen my mates from school. I think that those friendships have come to some sort of natural end, not in the sense that I don't want to be mates with them any more, but in that I know we're not going to be best friends any more and we're all going our own separate ways, and I think we're all okay with that.

I best get some sleep. I'm in work in 9 hours. :)

Interrobang

2008-06-16T02:19:37Z

Procrastination. I love that word. I clearly don't love the word as much as I love the deed though. I'm just over half way through my exams now, which is quite disappointing considering that most of my friends have finished or have very nearly finished theirs. They've gone quite well so far I think, apart from Biology, but I really could not care less about it. I've got a big Psychology exam tomorrow which I felt completely unprepared for, but after a major cram sesh and my handy "Dog on the Brain" book, I'm feeling quite excited to get it out of the way. Who says that last minute revision doesn't work‽

Last night was a really good night. It was my friend Ray's 18th and he had a party in an apartment in town. I don't speak to him much these days, but he invited me the other day and so me and Zak went along. The people there seemed quite pretentious at first, but after I got to know a few people it was good and me and Zak fitted in quite well. I spent quite a lot of the night with Ray himself, and I don't think Zak was very happy. After the whole Lyle/Zak saga the other week, I finally ended up getting together with Zak, and things have been going well. We've barely been apart. But last night at that party I think I really sailed a bit close to the wind. Me and Ray might have seemed over friendly with each other for the most of it, and we did spend a lot of time alone, but nothing happened. It probably sounds pathetic, but I was actually quite proud of myself for resisting and not giving in to him, because he told me that he liked me, and I know that if I didn't have a boyfriend, something probably would have happened with me and him. We even ended up together in the bathroom hugging, but I didn't even kiss him and I haven't kept anything from Zak whatsoever. I was a bit worse for wear, as always, despite only having two or three drinks. I think I did alright keeping myself together though, and me and Zak had a nice night together. He stayed in mine.

Today I saw my dad, as it's Father's Day, and then I had my dinner at my granddad's, and then I came home and procrastinated/revised, and that brings us to now, at 3:18am.

Don't you love being young? :)

Serendipity

2008-06-08T19:58:37Z

What a coincidence; minutes after I wrote that last entry, I split up with Lyle. It's got me down more than I was expecting, but at least it makes the situation slightly less complicated.

Fuck Me Pumps

2008-06-08T19:32:48Z

I've got myself into a right mess, and I've got no one to blame but myself. In my last entry I said how good it was not seeing anyone and not getting involved with any lads, but it didn't last long. I started talking to my lesbian cousin Dani's mate Rob, and we have so much in common. He's a really nice lad and he is very good looking, and I know he isn't a slut . I thought it was going to go somewhere with him, but whilst I was still speaking to him I went on a "date" with a boy called Lyle, and we actually got on so much better than I'd expected, and in the end he asked me out and I said yes. Me and Lyle have been together for a few weeks now, but it seems to be going down hill so much. All I want is a proper relationship like me and Dan. To be honest, I think I'm looking for someone exactly like Dan, and I know it's stupid because that isn't going to happen. Anyway, me and Lyle are not getting along too well now. He just seems so disinterested in me and I am the one who makes all the effort, so I've started seeing Zak. Zak is dead nice. He's cultured and good looking and sweet and it seems like we could make it work, but I know that if I finish Lyle for him it will end up being the same and I'll start looking for ways out of the relationship. It happens every time. Things go so well until I start going out with someone properly, then I realise that they're not Dan and I try to get out of it. I'm such a nonce. Dwelling on my ex 18 months after we split up.

God, I must seem like such a slut. It's ridiculous. It doesn't fit in with my personality at all and it lets me down so much. My boss even told me I need to raise my standards. My own friends see my relationships as a joke now, and I really want to change that. Me and Liam have argued over the Zak/Lyle situation, and it's not worth it. Liam is a good friend and I feel bad because he thinks I've used him, but I haven't.

In other news, I'm in the middle of my exams now. They're going okay, I just hope I get the grades I need for uni, otherwise my birthday won't be too jolly!

Naïve

2008-05-13T00:20:21Z

I saw this idea on a forum somewhere; write a letter to yourself five years ago. I thought it was a good idea, and so I thought I might as well give it a go. I would have been in year 8 at the time, just turning 13.

"Don't try and act like the kids around you, Nicky. Be yourself. I know you're finding it hard to come to terms with, and I know you think it makes you different or wrong, but just be yourself. Being different isn't a bad thing, individuality really is the best thing you can have. You're trying to act like the people around you act and you're trying too hard to fit in, and in the process you are acting like something you're not, and you'll regret it later on when you realise that people don't know the real you. It's not you. And don't be embarrassed of the people you want to be friends with, the ones you are trying too hard with aren't your real friends, and you're going to realise that when it's too late.

Being different isn't a bad thing, and you know what the main thing setting you apart at the minute is. Admit it to yourself. It's one of the hardest things you're going to have to do, but when you do it will be like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. There is no point trying to deny it, because it will just make it harder when you finally do realise what you are. You'll be glad of it one day, believe me. You'll be proud to have this thing that sets you apart from everyone else, and in a couple of years you'll realise that you wouldn't change yourself for the world. Make people know the real you.

Make the most of being young. It probably sounds stupid coming from someone who is only just turning 18, but I wish I'd let myself go more when I was your age. You can get away with skipping the odd bit of homework, and getting a detention really isn't the end of the world. Loosen up a bit, you're only 13. And stand up for yourself more. You let people bully you around and get the better of you too often, and if you don't start doing something about it soon it will get too much for you and you'll have more problems. I know through experience.

You're a nice boy, Nicky, don't be ashamed of that.

And one more thing: you think you know everything, you don't."

This is a nice post. I like it. Things have been quite peachy for me lately, and for some strange reason I'm excited for my exams. I think it's probably because they'll be out of the way and I can look forward to moving away. I really can't wait now.

And there are no boys on the scene. None whatsoever. I think that's good for me. After events of late I don't think it's a bad thing to be on my own. I was worried about getting a reputation, which I don't deserve because I've really wanted to find another serious relationship. Someone I can love like Dan, or as Faye says "Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love." That girl makes me laugh. Especially on Saturday when the roof in work fell through because of the rain and macho Nick climbed on the roof in the pouring rain to save the day. I don't think I'll forget that shift :)

I'm going to go the library tomorrow I think to get a book somebody recommended to me. It's called L'Etranger and it's by Albert Camus.

Bon soir!

Nancy

2008-04-24T21:24:03Z

One of my best friends has really annoyed me lately. Toni is one of, if not my best friend, and I talk to her every day. She is usually the first person I go to whenever I need to talk to anyone, but the last couple of weeks she's been avoiding me. There is one person in work I really don't get on with, and she's been spending quite a bit of time with him. It wouldn't bother me at all, but she'd always said that she didn't like him either and that she was trying to get rid of him all the time, but now I've heard that there is more going on between them and she's always denied it, so I've tried ringing her and texting her the last few days and she's been avoiding me. It's really annoying, as we had organised things together and I've needed to talk to her but she's been avoiding me. This sounds so childish now I'm actually writing it. Also, some things I told her in confidence have started to spread around work, and it's upsetting because they are things that I don't want people to know; personal things. They're not silly rumours, they're serious.

I really can't wait to move away. Things were going so well recently and I've been really happy, but now everything is just going downhill. It doesn't help that Dan has a serious boyfriend either. I still miss him, nearly a year and a half after we split up, and after going to his mum's party the other week and seeing him and Tom together, I've been really down and I've thought about him a lot. He's the only serious boyfriend I've had. I actually loved him. We were together for a year and a half. I spent all my time with him and his family, and now I'm not even allowed to talk to him because his boyfriend's a nonce.

I seriously can't wait to get away and start anew. New place, new people. Only 5 months to go!

On a lighter note, I got the results of my blood test and urine test the other day. They both came back clear and after going in to talk to someone properly about it all they said that I probably didn't catch the NSU off someone else, it just flares up sometimes. I was so relieved when she said that. When I first found out I had something the woman wasn't very helpful at all, just gave me tablets and told me to go, but after reading around and speaking to people I learnt that it isn't necessarily caught off other people, and I seriously doubt I caught it off someone else. I'm as good as celibate really, so it's almost impossible!

I'm usually a happy person, I shouldn't be like this. I'm sorry for writing another depressing entry, I promise from now on they will get better!

Retrospect

2008-01-02T01:43:17Z

I suppose I should have written this yesterday, but 2007 is finally over and so much has happened. The year didn't start too well, with me still being ill, and it wasn't until around February/March time that I was walking and talking properly again, but now I've never felt better. I remember the feeling I had when I realised I was back to being my ordinary self. It was the best feeling I've ever had, I felt like I had a new lease of life and for a while I was burning the candle at both ends, but no harm was done and everyone said they were happy to have me back. I never knew how much people actually cared, and even those I didn't particularly get on with supported me and it really made me realise what nice people I know. That period of my life is well in the past now, and, even though it was probably one of the hardest parts of my life so far, I can look back now and see that it really has made me stronger, and it's made me such a better person.

Something else that was new to me this year was being single again. I'd been with Dan since September 2005, and after we split up in October 2006, I didn't know what to do with myself. I never realised how much of my life I'd spent with him, and how I'd alienated myself from my friends in doing so. It was hard not being with him, and I tried seeing other people and going out on dates, but he was always on my mind and I couldn't have feelings for anyone else. It made it even harder that we weren't on speaking terms till lately. I had a couple of relationships this year, but they never lasted very long because I couldn't let myself get involved. I did meet a boy at the bus stop, Carl, and we were in quite a good relationship for over three months, and this made me realise that I'm over Dan now, and I can have feelings for other people. Dan is the only person I've ever loved, and he has still been a big part of my life this year, but he has found someone else now, and they seem happy together, and I can honestly say that I am really happy for him. I know we didn't begin the year on very good terms, but we were so in love at one point, and even though I don't love him any more, he has become one of my best friends.

2007 has given me a lot of good memories. Me and Francis had an immense time in London (and on the way down there!), and me and Bonnie had such a laugh playing hide and seek in Malham, just to name a couple. Town has given me many a good night out, and I had quite a night at Pride in August, but I wouldn't have had half as good a time without the friends I have. Francis leaving our sixth form affected me more than I'd expected, but I've not got long left to go now anyway, and, even though me and him don't see as much of each other as we used to, I know he's still there for me whenever I need him.

I've met a lot of new people this year, too many to mention, but Hayley has become an unlikely good friend of mine, and I'm so happy Emma and Faye started in my work. I've also lost a few friends though, and even though I might not speak to them any more, or even get on with them, I don't hate anybody and I have to thank them for having been a part of my life at some point. We'll probably look back and laugh at everything in a few years' time!

I think I might have lost one friend which has upset me more than most though. Rhoda has been one of my friends for over 2 years, and I knew that if her and Francis ever spit up it would probably be the end of our friendship, but I never thought about that. Nobody has ever made me laugh like she does. Rhoda and Francis did split up a few days ago though, and I was the one who told them they'd probably be better off without each other because all they do is argue, but now I feel like I've shot myself in the foot. We'd already started to drift, and we both had other friends, but now she has a new group of best friends and I've told her that I don't think we can be friends anymore. If we're not going to be best mates anymore, then I think she at least deserves a lengthy paragraph on my LiveJournal.

Overall, the year has ended rather alright, and I've grown up more this year than ever before. I can't wait to see what 2008 has for me, and I can't help but wonder where I'll be this time next year.

Happy New Year everyone. :)

Karma

2007-12-29T17:29:45Z

I'm feeling a bit down at the moment, and as there isn't anyone I can properly talk to right now I thought I might as well write it in here. Me and Carl split up a few weeks ago. We'd been together about four months, so it wasn't the longest relationship in the world, but it was serious enough. I was starting to feel sorry for him because I could never find the time to be with him, and even when I did have some free time I didn't want to see him for whatever reason. I was starting to get impatient and moody with him, and it wasn't fair on him. I think I wrote in here a couple of months ago how I knew it wasn't going to last for that long, and to be honest it lasted longer than I expected. He was quite upset about it, but it was the right thing to split up. We are still friends and we speak now and again, but Rhoda told me before that her and Jack were in town last night, and they bumped into Carl, and one thing led to another and Carl and Jack ended up all over each other. I mean, of all the people he could go off with, why did he go with one of my friends? This has upset me a lot more than splitting up did, especially considering Carl never told me himself and hasn't replied to my text.

It probably seems so petty now, since we have been split up for about a month, but it's got to me a bit. As Michael pointed out though, I don't really deserve any sympathy. It's exactly the same as what I did to Michael, except I went with someone Michael fancied. And on his birthday.

What goes around comes around I suppose.

Christmas was alright. I got a MacBook which I'm well happy with, and I bought loads of presents for other people this year which made me feel surprisingly happy. I didn't really go out on Christmas though, everyone came round to our house for a change, but I went to see my good friend Rob in the night. I hadn't seen him in ages.

Gosh I've got so much to say!

I sent my UCAS off and in the end I applied to Liverpool, Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle and King's College London, and I've already had an offer of AAB from Sheffield which I'm well pleased about. I hope I get a couple of other offers though.

Shaun's party tonight. I was meant to be going with Faye, but she can't go now so I hope Francis decides to come. And I just realised Jack will be there.

Hmm.

Dancing Queen

2007-11-11T13:19:34Z

Last night was the best night I've had in ages. Me, Hayley, Francis, Adam, Efuah, Bonnie and two of her friends, Joe and Rachel, went out for a meal in Kimos for Bonnie's 18th. The food was quite good but they didn't sell any alcohol because it was a Halal restaurant! We didn't know that before we went. After that we walked to the Flute and had a few drinks but then the barman came over and asked if everyone on our table had ID. It was dead funny, I was like "Yeah, I've got mine" but everyone else just said no so I had to down like 3 drinks then go haha. Then Adam went home and we all went to Woody's bar where an old man kept talking to me. Good times.

The Krazyhouse was the best though. I haven't been there in ages; I forgot how boss it is. Bonnie was dead funny. I was my drunken self as per, but she's never really drank before and she's never been out, and she was pure pissed. It was the funniest ever, she was raving like a maddy. Everyone from school turned up after Kate and Rach's 18th had finished, so that made the night loads better. I felt a bit bad that I didn't show my face at their party though.

At the end of the night, Sarah Creed helped me outside and I stumbled up to the Adelphi and, after queuing in the rain for a bit, I got into a taxi and he took me home. Then I realised I'd left Hayley in the Krazyhouse without saying bye..

It was the best night ever.

Meanwhile, Carl was having a romantic meal with my ex, Adam, for Adam's 18th. I think I've got a bone to pick with somebody.

End Ex

2007-11-04T00:24:29Z

And the award for the worst boyfriend ever goes to...

Lol.

I actually left my own boyfriend's 18th birthday party at 11 o'clock, before everyone else. How bad does that sound? But I was completely left out, or as Carl would say, I was like "a fish out of water". I took Hayley and we were just on our own all night. Carl kept introducing me to his different friends or family and leaving me with them, it was so awkward. He really pissed me off. I'd told him loads of times that I knew it was his party and I really didn't want him to feel like he had to be with me all night, really. The thing that pissed me off though was that he wasn't himself with me at all, you wouldn't have even been able to tell that he was my boyfriend. One minute I'd be talking to him, then he'd just lose interest and walk off mid-conversation. It was actually unbelieveable, I couldn't wait to leave, so I got a taxi home when I thought it was okay to leave and that brings me to now.

I think tonight might have been the nail in the coffin of our relationship. Lol.

Red

2007-10-30T19:43:27Z

They say that you know in the first 10 minutes of meeting someone whether they could be the one.

I've thought about this loads lately. It's mainly because I know Carl isn't the one for me. I've known since we started going out that he wasn't right for me, so I'm not sure why I'm still with him. I do like him, and we have a good laugh together and when we spend time together we're both dead happy, but I just don't have that special feeling about him. I've got this dilemma now about whether to stay with him and just try and enjoy myself, or to just split up now and get out of the way. I really don't want to upset him but I know it probably will... I'm his first boyfriend and he really seems to like me, but maybe it's better to just end it now before he gets too attached. We've only been together for about a month and a half, but we are dead close.

I wasn't planning on getting into a relationship, but when Carl came along I thought, why not? When we split up I think I'll be staying single for a while. I don't have much free time for a boyfriend, and I don't think this is a good time to be tied down. Who knows though if the right person comes along.

Mark, my ex, text me before and it just said "I miss you. x". I actually smiled when I read it.

x

Hi-Ho

2007-10-27T20:52:10Z

I realised something dead crap last night. I don't belong to any group of friends at all. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, it's just something Sarah in work said last night. It was her close, and I was doing counter close. Everyone had gone home and we were sat in the office, and she turned round and asked why I never do anything with our little group from work anymore. I was really taken aback. I always thought of myself as part of that clique. Then I realised that they're always doing stuff together and I seem really unsociable to them. Chris Gill picked us up from work with Rhianne and Kim, and we went for a drive. I felt so awkward. They had all these little private jokes and were constantly talking about things I didn't have a clue about. I was just sat in the back of the car being really quiet. It's really upset me actually. My group of friends in school has broken down completely aswell, and the group of girls in school aren't really my friends either. I can hang around with them and try and get involved, and they're always dead nice to me, but even they don't think of me as one of their mates.

I just seem to go to school, go to work, and go out with different random groups of friends every now and again. I feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to do as much as everyone else.

I bet I seem like a right crank.

Rhoda and Francis are probably my best friends, but I hardly ever get to see them because I'm either in work or school or they are. I've spent quite a bit of time with Rhoda in the last week though.

I well can't wait to go to uni. It'll be the best ever.

Work was dead stressful today. Lol.

x

Rockafeller Skank

2007-10-24T14:21:16Z

I'd decided today that I was going to get up early and go to the gym, rain or shine. It didn't happen. I woke up at half eleven and really couldn't be bothered getting the bus to Edge Lane, so I decided to do Psychology coursework instead. That didn't happen either lol. Well it did a bit.

My day has just been boring today, sitting round the house. I hate sitting in during the holidays because I feel as if I'm wasting it, especially when I've got a few days off work. Ah well. It's good to have some time to myself. I'm just deliberating over whether to go and get my hair cut or carry on sitting here lol. I haven't really got a hairdresser at the moment, but Liam said his is good so I might try her. It's in Whiston or something though =/

I'm going the circus tomorrow with Sarah and some other people from work. I can't wait! I haven't been to the circus in years, it's going to be dead immense. Anton was meant to be coming too but he's got to work now so he can't come. Never mind. That's my lift home gone out the window lol.

I might try and revise or something now.

I think the Alan Titchmarsh show is actually the worst chat show ever made.

x

Not Big

2007-10-23T21:16:48Z

Nick passed his theory test today.

Second time lucky. Lol.

Anyway, I stayed at Rhoda's last night and we had a right laugh. Wasn't as fun as usual though, I felt a bit awkward but I don't know why... Probably because Rhoda's new gay best friend Jack was there. I need to get my life sorted loll. Still got a bit tipsy and danced like a meff though.

Me and Carl are still together, but I've not seen him for a few days. All my friends love him, and I'm trying my best with him to make it work. He seems majorly smitten with me already lol. Don't know what to do.

I've not got much else to say now. I might go and get my hair done tomorrow, it's stressing me out at the moment. Such a crap colour and I can't do anything with it. I might buy some GHDs as well, I used Rhoda's today and they just made my day

x

In My Life

2007-10-11T00:19:11Z

Nick failed his theory test today. Lol.

I laughed when I got my results because I only booked it two days ago and I was totally unprepared so I didn't really deserve to pass.

I got 42 out of 50 on the multiple choice though. The pass mark is 43.

Francis enrolled at Hugh Baird yesterday and he's leaving our school properly on Friday. I always had a feeling he would quit before the end of sixth form, but I never actually thought he'd do it. Everyone is quite upset that he's leaving, but I don't think I am really. I'm sort of expecting him to try and come back in a couple of weeks, he's like that. He has these funny little phases. It will probably be weird when he actually does go though. I mean, he's been my best friend for years and we've always been inseparable, then to not see him every day will be so strange. I'll probably hardly ever see him anymore because we both have such busy lives outside of school. I think I need a new best friend.

Me and Caroline have decided we're going to start a literature society (glorified book club). We both want to apply to English in university, so this seems like a good idea, and I think it will get us a few points on our personal statement. We've become quite good friends lately, her and Carl get on so well. Me and him are still going well too; we're going to Kerrie's party on Saturday.

I always seem to be talking about different people in these entries. Anyone would think it's because I'm popular or something, but it's just because I tend to float between social groups. Lol. I need some proper mates tbh.

Night

x

Dog's Mercury

2007-10-05T21:33:55Z

Got back from Malham a couple of hours ago. It was quite fun and the rooms and food were much better than I was expecting, but the biology side of it was quite boring and muddy. Lol.

My taxi to Carl's is here

x

Yorkie

2007-10-02T23:24:32Z

I should have been packing tonight but Carl came round lol. I'm going to Malham with biology in the morning and I've got to be up at 6am, oh noes.

I'll finish packing in the morning.

I'd better go asleep now actually. I'm home on Friday so I'll try and write on Friday night.

xx

Miniature Disasters

2007-10-01T23:24:47Z

Today has been a funny day. This morning I was on the bus and I was kind of drifting asleep as I do on the bus and I had my ear phones in, then this old woman came and hit me on the shoulder to wake me up so I'd move my bag. I was well mad. There were loads of seats for her, she had no reason to wake me up at all!

After that the day was okay though really, nothing eventful happened to be honest. I had a biology test first period which was quite funny because I know I failed drastically, then I had English with possibly the most evil woman ever created, and she was trying to have friendly banter with me and trying to talk to me about what went on at Sophie's party the other night, but I just tried to ignore her.

At dinner I got a phone call off my mum in work. Apparently Lee-Anne, my therapist, had been round to my house today to find out why I've been avoiding her. Lol. Derek was in and he spoke to her and he said she seemed very mad. I'm very mad at her though. How dare she turn up unannounced at my house and tell a complete stranger that she's my counsellor. She didn't know who he was, but she knows he's not my dad.

I'm so pissed off at her actually. I don't need to see her, she doesn't help me whatsoever, and I just want nothing to do with these people. I'm fine on my own.

Anyway. I've got a driving lesson in the morning. That will be fun, I like driving. Don't think it will be too long before I do my test now really, my instructor says I'm doing quite well! Then tomorrow night I need to pack for Malham. That should be fun. Lol.

Going to watch the first episode of the new series of Desperate Housewives now

Night

x

Carbfest

2007-09-30T21:38:29Z

It's not very often that I lose my temper with someone, and it's even rarer that I'm driven to hating someone, but I really think I've been pushed that far this time. Me and Michael have had our fallings out in the past, and for some reason I always ended up carrying on trying to tolerate him and his scary obsession with me, but this time I can't. We were getting on quite well lately, much better than we usually do, but then today he turned round and fell out with me for no reason whatsoever and practically said that he didn't want to talk to me anymore for my own good, but then he tried to blame me and make me out to be horrible and arrogant and him being the victim. It's not true at all though, I think I'm a decent person and I hate arguing or falling out with people.

Argh I can't tell you how mad I am at the moment. I think I actually hate him. I never ever understood his twisted obsession with me, but I just put up with it and tried to be nice all along because that's the way I am, even when we fell out in the past I still carried on being nice to him and trying to act mature, but now I don't care at all. I've lost interest completely and I couldn't care less if I never talk to him again. I don't feel anything at all for him, not even as a friend. There's so much more I could say about all of this and other people involved but I think I've said enough on the matter and to be honest I can't be bothered talking about him any more. Just read his journal instead michaelcaton, it will probably be about me; it always is.

Anyway, in other news.

I finally ended my Atkins diet today. It was getting a bit boring eating eggs and butter all the time, and the thought of meat actually knocks me sick now. So today I had a major carb binge lol. Instead I've resorted to Weight Watchers, which will probably end up bordering on starvation lol.

At least I can still eat my sugar free jelly.

i went to a party last night with Carl and his sister but I felt really scruffy and out of place. I thought it was just a little house party, but when I got there they were all dressed up and sophisticated (they were all solicitors in their late 20s =/), and there was me in my "Make Music Not Missiles" t-shirt. They all thought it was some sort of political statement. Lol.

I went back to Carl's afterwards and stayed there again.

I can't wait to move away.

x

EDIT: Michael's deleted his journal now.

Dosh

2007-09-29T19:38:28Z

I went to Sophie McDonald's 18th last night in club Profile in town, it was dead fun. I took Carl and everybody loved him, I was well proud. I ended up staying at his afterwards as well. lol.

I was an hour late to work today though; I thought I was meant to be in at 2 but they rang at half 12 to see where I was. But work is quite good at the moment. I've been promoted so I've getting a £1.15 pay rise which is really boss.

Got to get ready now, me and Carl are going to some party in town tonight and I haven't even started getting ready. I've hardly got any money though, probably because I've put over £100 credit on my phone in the last month =/

xx

Body Image

2007-09-22T13:40:40Z

God I'm such a fat excuse for a person.

Ever since McDonald's Next Top Model I've been a million times more self conscious again. I'm going back to the way I was, and I was meant to be getting better. I even managed to worm my way out of the mental health services. I'm in one of them moods, I feel so horrible, and I've just major binged on a pure bag of sweets that weren't even mine.

I've got to get ready to go and meet Rhoda in town now. I stayed at my mate Carl's last night. He's immense.

x

KB

2007-09-17T22:36:56Z

Well I'm not a McDonald's Next Top Model. Oh well, not everyone could win, I shouldn't have got my hopes up. It's majorly knocked my confidence though, a lot more than I thought it would. Went the gym today with Francis.

It was Maz's last shift in work last night. I thought it was really sad but she didn't seem too bothered. Can't wait til we all go out on Thursday for her leaving do. Driving lesson in the morning, not feeling too excited for it, I think I'm getting worse lol. I'll write a more interesting entry tomorrow, I'm well knackered.

Sorry if I sound really down, I'm just really tired.

x

LDN

2007-09-15T10:51:48Z

Lol. Lots to say today

Me and Francis went to London this week so I could go to McDonald's Next Top Model. They'd shortlisted 20 people to call down to London and I was one of them! We went down on the coach on Monday night, 6 hours it took! The journey wasn't too bad though because we took lots of Diet Coke and vodka so I was my usual self. The little hotel we stayed in was nice enough, but London is like a different country. I couldn't believe it. Walking down the streets at night is scary and all the people just stared at me. We went everywhere on Tuesday. Buckingham Palace, Houses of Parliament, Big Ben, Trafalgar Square, Tower Bridge, the Eye. It was great, got loads of pictures. The modelling thing was immense. But Francis wasn't allowed in lol. We were all sat in some big chic boardroom then every now and again a couple of us would get called out to try on the new uniforms or do a catwalk in front of a panel of judges and tell them about ourselves. It was a bit scary but I had the best fun ever. Everyone there was really, really nice as well. We spent 3 and a half hours together so by the end we all knew each other quite well. We swapped numbers and MySpaces and things at the end, and there was a girl from Liverpool there so I wasn't lonely at all. We were supposed to find out yesterday who is going to Warsaw but no one has heard from them yet...

I was on the close in work last night and I found out that I'm in a bit of trouble. Lol. Me and Rhianne did counter close together last week, and Rhianne wrote a moody note to the manager saying that we were short staffed and things, so Deb Barry (Assistant Manager) watched all the CCTV footage of the night back and saw Rhianne giving me a piggy back around work and saw us messing around and doing some other things I can't really publicize lol. Apparently she went spare. Oh well. I've been avoiding her since, I'm dreading seeing her.

Anthony came round mine after work and stayed over. Yep yep. I might go out now, I'm in work on a 5-close again

xx

Life Story

2007-09-02T22:53:28Z

I had a well boring day today. My bedroom is always the messiest ever and I'm embarrassed to show people, but today I actually ventured to tidy it. God I've never seen such hard work. I started at like 12 o'clock this afternoon, and I've only just finished it. That's how bad it was!

I went out again last night. Francis and Rhoda picked me up in the car at like half 9, then we went to get chicken Emma from hers and we went for a meal in Nando's. After that Fran and Rhoda went home and me and Emma went round town. It's been so long since we went out together. We went to the Superstar Boudoir and then the Navy for a bit and spent the rest of the night in the G-Bar. It was okay like, but the gay bars don't really do anything for me. I don't understand what the big attraction is with the G-Bar, it's just like anywhere else, and I still can't grasp the concept of wearing sunglasses in a night club. It's not even sunny in there. Lol. And everyone is dead pervy and slutty, I just don't like that!

It was dead good after the G-Bar though. Me and Emma were sat in the cold waiting for a taxi, and this gang of like 4 scally lads came over. Emma went and got in a phonebox because it was cold and left me on my own and I was a bit scared when they came to sit with me, but I was dead surprised. They were such nice lads and I was sat with one of them (he was called Paul) for ages and we had a proper heart to heart. He told me that he thinks he might be bi, and he was asking how I know I was gay and all that. It was dead cute. Then he introduced me to his mate who thinks he's bi too, and they were both so nice. They kept saying I was a good looking lad and it was dead embarrassing. Then when the second lad walked away, that Paul said that the other one has leukemia and I was dead shocked. It's so sad and I know they weren't lying because he was wearing a hat and had no eyebrows. They'd make a dead cute couple.

Then mine and Emma's taxi came and we got in it and came back to mine. I really wish I'd got that lad's number, just to be mates like, he was so nice. When we got to mine, we text Mike from work who lives in the road next to me and he came round for a bit. There is kind of a thing going on with them too but it's a bit on/off. We sat chatting for a while then Emma went home at 5am I think. Mike stayed and we were talking for ages. I like the way he doesn't feel weird around me and he just treats me like a normal person. Usually, lads just joke with me, not in a bad way or anything, but I mean they won't have proper conversations with me and they'll sort of push me into acting like this gay stereotype and that isn't me at all. I have a lot of time for Mike Jones, even though everyone in work hates him and thinks he is dead full of himself and messes people round, he is a good person. He'd do anything for anyone and he has a lot more morals than most people I know and I really respect him for that.

Gosh I'm sorry this is such a long one, I know people probably won't bother to read it now.

I'll stop. I've not got anything planned tomorrow really, I'm going to ring up and get some more details about this modelling thing in London though, Francis has said he'll come with me, yay!

And my laptop is a bit touch and go at the moment so if I don't write again for a few days you know why. The wires in the charger broke so I did a little DIY job and cut the wire open with a pair of scissors and sort of twisted the wires together lol.

Boom.

x